I think I am ready for this time. At least I think I am. I just want to do it differently. I feel like I wasn't even myself last round and I dont want that. I want to live my life like normal, not think that gas pains are an automatic pregnancy and not have every single person I know aware that I am going through every stage and step at every point in time. It's too much pressure.

I Want to cherish every single second I have with my husband instead of putting both of us under so much stress that it doesn't seem right. Because at the end of the day, a baby is a gift and a precious joy but without my husband and our journey through life forever and friendship, it wouldn't be what I wanted anyways. I want a FAMILY. A strong one at that. So I am making a change and it is starting today. I'm going to be ME again...not a hormonal, crazy, I "must have a baby to be happy" girl. Cause I am happy.

SHIT.

It didn't work.   They called me right as I was starting to eat lunch (well thank you for that cause it helped me to not eat very much) :) but just to tell me that the blood test came back negative.  IUI #1 has failed.  So here we are again.  

Starting at square one. (and that sounds "mathy" and I never liked math ughh)

 I had to stop taking my progesterone and wait for good 'ol Aunt Flo to come marching right back into my life.  So I cried my tears, and then had my first beer in weeks (which by the way tasted like shit so that wasn't what I was expecting, but the 2nd and 3rd did taste much better :)) And then I cried again, cried myself to sleep and woke up with a new day and an attitude that I couldn't control it and God can, so just have faith.  Or as my new key chain would say...."BELIEVE....Everything Happens For a Reason"

Since Mike isn't in town, I thought that it might have made it worse but I am thinking it might have made it better.  I think not being able to see his face and facing the dissapointment on his face might have helped me to not have a clear emotional breakdown. We just have to get back up on the horse as they would say.  I hope this horse gets out of my life soon, so I dont have to get back up on it again next month.

Another $1600 and sonogram assaultings and dreaded 2 week wait, and not to mention the lovely hot flashes again :) I will do it though, and try to do it with a smile on my face (except for the handing over my credit card again part, will not be smiling at that I'm sure) All of this will be worth it when I get to see that positive on the test and hear the heartbeat of our child.

So, Aunt Flo arrived today....and we are officially on Day 1 again.  Go in on Friday for sono and permission to start meds....and so on and so forth.  At this point I am taking it day by day and I CANNOT WAIT to pick up my hubby at the airport on Friday.  It's gonna be like old times when we were long distance dating for 6 months at a time...hope he doesn't feel like breathing his own air cause I am going to be as close as possible for at least the weekend :)

I am shaking.

All morning.

You would think that I am finding out whether I have a disease or something.  And even though, I know that everything happens for a reason and I will be just fine either way....I still shake with fear that this won't work and we will be right back to square one where we started.  I got my blood drawn and now I wait for the call with results.  Cue Jeopardy music.....



Here is my new little nephew. He is the cutest thing and I love him already :)

I just want to put it out there that my dreams the last couple of nights have been TORTURE.  I can actually see the positive results on the pregnancy tests and can feel the excitement, only to wake up to...."Oh ya, that actually didn't happen"  Ugh. Damn this waiting and hormone driven craziness. Maybe it's a good sign right? Right. I'll stick with that.  I am hoping the next 21 hours go by somewhat quickly so this wondering can end.  ...although I would wait for eternity to hear the words that I want.

And guess what else happened today?????  My sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy! He was 9.5 lbs! Big boy, he's gonna be a football player :) Or anything else he would ever want to be I'm sure with those genes :)

Mr Benjamin Michael
6/14/2012

So, my fire alarms decided to wake me up this morning....at 5AM!!! And it's not just one, they all go off if one of them does. And I'm sorry, did I say "wake up?"  I meant jolt up with fury and almost piss myself. Ugghhh.....and to make matters worse I didn't even have Mike there to console me or figure out what was wrong, so there I was shaking and scared at 5am trying to figure out where the fire was or what in the HELL was going on. Well, no fire....and they only stayed on for about 35 seconds so I headed back upstairs.  It wasn't five seconds after getting back into my room that they did it again!! AHHHH!!! At this point I called Mike, I didn't care if he was awake or not, I needed someone to tell me I wasn't crazy and give me an idea of why the heck this was happening.  He was already up the weird morning man that he is and proceeded to tell me to look at them and see if any of them were beeping (NO) and if they were blinking. Well the one in our bedroom was, so I guess it's the battery??? Ok, when batteries in fire alarms go bad aren't they supposed to make a beeping "hey I'm about to die and set off all the alarms in the house" noise??? Guess not. And I suppose even though we are living in 2012, they still choose to use 9Volt batteries....ummm...WHY??? No one ever has 9V! (well at least I didn't until I go shopping this afternoon and buy out the store)  So, needless to say, I couldn't fall back asleep, I just laid there looking at that blinking red light waiting for it to go off again like a scared child. Geez....well that's one way to start off the day.

On another note, we are getting closer to the day of finding out :) I am trying to stay positive and I feel as though I am doing a pretty good job of it, but I am also trying to keep myself prepared at the same time to not have a breakdown God forbid it doesn't go the way we want it to.  I guess when you have been trying for so long you get that way.  The first 3-6 months, you are SO positive.  I mean, we spend our whole lives as women trying NOT to get pregnant and then all of a sudden you want to so you expect it's just gonna magically and easily happen. (well for some women it does easily happen, but for some not so much)  Anyways, once you hit the 6-12 month mark of trying and not succeeding you almost don't want to get your hopes up because it's so much harder to have them fall.  Either way, I am trying to keep my head up and be ready for anything. I mean, there really ISN'T a reason that it shouldn't have worked...I mean, I had medications, hormones, multiple eggs, and what I like to call super sperm: only the good guys all being valeted in the right direction :)

Tomorrow is also the day that my sister gives birth to the first boy in our family!! Mr. Benjamin should be joining us in the world around 7:30am tomorrow!  Can't wait to hold that little booger and take him to the driving range :) (ok ok, so I will have to wait a few years for the driving range, but a girl can dream right?!)

Happy Wednesday-Hump day!! We are almost done with another week and closer to July...isn't that crazy how fast time flies??

Well, the weekend was full but it was great. (other than my honey leaving me for a business trip) :( BOOO

We are only about 4 days away from the day we have been waiting for---results day!! I do have to confess...I broke the rules...I took a pregnancy test. I know, I know, I shouldn't have but I just wanted to see if I could get a positive result before my hubby left and I just couldnt take it anymore! Either way, it came back negative (BOO) but I guess you can't judge it by that anyways considering it was 6 days early. I'm still keeping positive as there is really no reason that it shouldn't have worked first time around, but with all these hormones running through my body it doesn't even feel like my period is around the corner let alone a positive pregnancy test.

Ughhh....guess that's why they say that "patience is a virtue."  Guess I need to dig deep for that virtue :)

Here are some pics from the weekend :)

 My mamas lookin goood :)

                3 of my 4 sisters

       The dresses were gorgeous!!

Chris's Graduation







I can't BELIEVE how grown up they are!! *tear








Countdown Generator

Well, we are HALFWAY there!  Only 7 days to go to find out if this procedure worked and I'm sure it's gonna drag on!

The hot flashes are IN-SANE on this progesterone and I'm trying to get used to it but GEEEZ....I am literally sweating through my clothes like I am a menopausal woman. The only other real side effect is my sleepiness.  I am literally laying down or asleep in bed by 9-9:30 when I used to not even want to go upstairs until 10pm or after. I guess I can't complain cause I do feel somewhat refreshed in the morning....that is until 10:30 when I start yawning again.

The other day I ran/walked 4 miles!! Yes, I know there are some of you out there going, "Oh, 4 miles...I do that everyday and can do it on my hands and enjoy it and blah blah blah" Well hush, cause I am that person that doesn't run unless I am being chased and it was actually somewhat enjoyable.  Maybe I can get used to it. (Dont hold me to that though cause my lungs still feel as though they are going to explode at multiple times during those miles.)

I also want to touch on the "no alcohol" rule which at the beginning wasn't so bad but now at "happy hours" and being around people that I would have normally been drinking with, it is almost torture. (Not to mention that being sober around people that are intoxicated could be a test of how patient you actually are)  For the first time ever I actually feel bad for my sister who has been pregnant twice and surrounded by FUN :) drinkers like myself and my mother. LOL Sorry Christy :)

Well at least it's FRIDAY and I can enjoy a weekend off of work and a weekend FULL of stuff to do. There goes the relaxing part. Oh well, at least it's fun stuff.  First off, Mike's family comes into town tonight around 8pm so that means I will most likely be sleeping on the couch before the hour is up after we get there....(damn hormones) and then on Saturday we are filled to the brim. First stop, DC for nephews Graduation lunch and then off to my moms to see my twin sisters go off to prom...and then last but not least off to a pool party held by my co-worker which will include alcohol I can't have and BRISKET. I mean, I might eat the whole thing just thinking about it, its so good.  Thank goodness I don't know how to make it myself like that or else I would eat so much I would turn into a brisket. I'm sure there will be lots of pics to come on Monday :)

HAVE A BLESSED WEEKEND!!

So here we go on day 3 of the dreaded 2 week wait. I am doing good so far...just trying not to think about it too much and drive myself CRAZY.  The progesterone I am on for the next two weeks has been ok, just causing a little sleepiness and hot flashes like you wouldn't believe.  Last night I actually woke up and had to get up to change my clothes I was sweating so badly through them.

I am also trying to get used to this "non drinking" lifestyle but to be honest I thought that it would be A LOT harder than it actually is.  Maybe its because I have a purpose for not drinking and not "just cause" but either way, I have already lost some bloating and belly fat and that is good :) Mike and I have started walking to and from the coffee shop about a mile and a half from our house on Saturdays and Sundays so that is a good start to getting in shape as well as I am going to start doing my Jillian tapes again at least once or twice a week.  Hey, while I wait for the news might as well make my downtime useful as well as keep my mind off of it.

Only 11 more days to go......Geeeeez

So TODAY IS THE DAY!!!

Took my trigger shot on Wednesday night and the IUI procedure is this morning!

I have been having anxiety since last night and I still can't figure out why....maybe because someone is going to be in my cervix within the next hour or also maybe because for the next 9 months (hopefully) I will be the carrier of my child and everything that happens to me, happens to them as well. Creeeepy. I am the incubator.

So hopefully the little guys will get up there (valet service and all) and have plenty of energy to make something happen :)



Keeping my fingers crossed

Well,  the weekend was an awesome one.  So much was going on and it was packed full of family, friends and fun! I wasn't able to get myself OR my Spanx comfortably into that dress I had intended to wear, but my awesome hubby helped me to find a new one as soon as we got there...told you he was a keeper ;)  The bride was gorgeous!! It was a scorcher out there at 95 degrees but totally worth the wedding as it was a fun one. We also had the baptism of Mike's new nephew and he is just the CUTEST, it was great to spend time with the fam including the girls :) Here are some pics....(including our photo booth pictures from the wedding) :)

The gorgeous new couple <3