What a difference a year makes.....

I can't believe I am able to type that I AM PREGNANT. I really could just copy and paste that sentence and make a whole blog post about it but I will refrain. 

It was our third (and final) IUI that our Dr. didn't even think we should waste our time or money trying, but hey, like my husband says, what really is the difference between $20k and $21,600? Not very much and I am so glad we went for it. 

I guess life really is all about timing. Although, there were "times" I wanted to scream (oh wait I did) and cry (yup that too) and wonder why the hell with all of the things going seemingly perfect with these treatments, they still weren't working out. I guess we just weren't ready. But I will tell you one thing. I won't take back any of those moments of pain, cause the moment of success was the most amazing feeling ever. 

I am only about 5 weeks and 5 days now, but I am holding high with positivity and can't wait for next Tuesday to see that little sac and possibly see a heatbeat. It will be my heart. Not literally, but I gave it all my heart the last 2.5 years and it already has my whole heart. 

And baby makes three.....

Well,

I am back in the 2ww.  And it is still as dreadful as before but my mindset is healthier this time.  It also helps that my hubby is in town this time, so I have a little more distraction (and mess to clean up in the house)  :)

It looks like if for whatever reason this time we do not succeed again, we will be taking a hiatus to help out our bank account as this is draining it! UGHHH.....they should really do this shit for free as infertility is not something you ask for. I know that will never happen, but a girl can dream right?!

I think I am ready for this time. At least I think I am. I just want to do it differently. I feel like I wasn't even myself last round and I dont want that. I want to live my life like normal, not think that gas pains are an automatic pregnancy and not have every single person I know aware that I am going through every stage and step at every point in time. It's too much pressure.

I Want to cherish every single second I have with my husband instead of putting both of us under so much stress that it doesn't seem right. Because at the end of the day, a baby is a gift and a precious joy but without my husband and our journey through life forever and friendship, it wouldn't be what I wanted anyways. I want a FAMILY. A strong one at that. So I am making a change and it is starting today. I'm going to be ME again...not a hormonal, crazy, I "must have a baby to be happy" girl. Cause I am happy.

SHIT.

It didn't work.   They called me right as I was starting to eat lunch (well thank you for that cause it helped me to not eat very much) :) but just to tell me that the blood test came back negative.  IUI #1 has failed.  So here we are again.  

Starting at square one. (and that sounds "mathy" and I never liked math ughh)

 I had to stop taking my progesterone and wait for good 'ol Aunt Flo to come marching right back into my life.  So I cried my tears, and then had my first beer in weeks (which by the way tasted like shit so that wasn't what I was expecting, but the 2nd and 3rd did taste much better :)) And then I cried again, cried myself to sleep and woke up with a new day and an attitude that I couldn't control it and God can, so just have faith.  Or as my new key chain would say...."BELIEVE....Everything Happens For a Reason"

Since Mike isn't in town, I thought that it might have made it worse but I am thinking it might have made it better.  I think not being able to see his face and facing the dissapointment on his face might have helped me to not have a clear emotional breakdown. We just have to get back up on the horse as they would say.  I hope this horse gets out of my life soon, so I dont have to get back up on it again next month.

Another $1600 and sonogram assaultings and dreaded 2 week wait, and not to mention the lovely hot flashes again :) I will do it though, and try to do it with a smile on my face (except for the handing over my credit card again part, will not be smiling at that I'm sure) All of this will be worth it when I get to see that positive on the test and hear the heartbeat of our child.

So, Aunt Flo arrived today....and we are officially on Day 1 again.  Go in on Friday for sono and permission to start meds....and so on and so forth.  At this point I am taking it day by day and I CANNOT WAIT to pick up my hubby at the airport on Friday.  It's gonna be like old times when we were long distance dating for 6 months at a time...hope he doesn't feel like breathing his own air cause I am going to be as close as possible for at least the weekend :)

I am shaking.

All morning.

You would think that I am finding out whether I have a disease or something.  And even though, I know that everything happens for a reason and I will be just fine either way....I still shake with fear that this won't work and we will be right back to square one where we started.  I got my blood drawn and now I wait for the call with results.  Cue Jeopardy music.....



Here is my new little nephew. He is the cutest thing and I love him already :)

I just want to put it out there that my dreams the last couple of nights have been TORTURE.  I can actually see the positive results on the pregnancy tests and can feel the excitement, only to wake up to...."Oh ya, that actually didn't happen"  Ugh. Damn this waiting and hormone driven craziness. Maybe it's a good sign right? Right. I'll stick with that.  I am hoping the next 21 hours go by somewhat quickly so this wondering can end.  ...although I would wait for eternity to hear the words that I want.

And guess what else happened today?????  My sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy! He was 9.5 lbs! Big boy, he's gonna be a football player :) Or anything else he would ever want to be I'm sure with those genes :)

Mr Benjamin Michael
6/14/2012

So, my fire alarms decided to wake me up this morning....at 5AM!!! And it's not just one, they all go off if one of them does. And I'm sorry, did I say "wake up?"  I meant jolt up with fury and almost piss myself. Ugghhh.....and to make matters worse I didn't even have Mike there to console me or figure out what was wrong, so there I was shaking and scared at 5am trying to figure out where the fire was or what in the HELL was going on. Well, no fire....and they only stayed on for about 35 seconds so I headed back upstairs.  It wasn't five seconds after getting back into my room that they did it again!! AHHHH!!! At this point I called Mike, I didn't care if he was awake or not, I needed someone to tell me I wasn't crazy and give me an idea of why the heck this was happening.  He was already up the weird morning man that he is and proceeded to tell me to look at them and see if any of them were beeping (NO) and if they were blinking. Well the one in our bedroom was, so I guess it's the battery??? Ok, when batteries in fire alarms go bad aren't they supposed to make a beeping "hey I'm about to die and set off all the alarms in the house" noise??? Guess not. And I suppose even though we are living in 2012, they still choose to use 9Volt batteries....ummm...WHY??? No one ever has 9V! (well at least I didn't until I go shopping this afternoon and buy out the store)  So, needless to say, I couldn't fall back asleep, I just laid there looking at that blinking red light waiting for it to go off again like a scared child. Geez....well that's one way to start off the day.

On another note, we are getting closer to the day of finding out :) I am trying to stay positive and I feel as though I am doing a pretty good job of it, but I am also trying to keep myself prepared at the same time to not have a breakdown God forbid it doesn't go the way we want it to.  I guess when you have been trying for so long you get that way.  The first 3-6 months, you are SO positive.  I mean, we spend our whole lives as women trying NOT to get pregnant and then all of a sudden you want to so you expect it's just gonna magically and easily happen. (well for some women it does easily happen, but for some not so much)  Anyways, once you hit the 6-12 month mark of trying and not succeeding you almost don't want to get your hopes up because it's so much harder to have them fall.  Either way, I am trying to keep my head up and be ready for anything. I mean, there really ISN'T a reason that it shouldn't have worked...I mean, I had medications, hormones, multiple eggs, and what I like to call super sperm: only the good guys all being valeted in the right direction :)

Tomorrow is also the day that my sister gives birth to the first boy in our family!! Mr. Benjamin should be joining us in the world around 7:30am tomorrow!  Can't wait to hold that little booger and take him to the driving range :) (ok ok, so I will have to wait a few years for the driving range, but a girl can dream right?!)

Happy Wednesday-Hump day!! We are almost done with another week and closer to July...isn't that crazy how fast time flies??